For life and for those who died… Cheers!

Dad… Recently when mamma came to my apartment, she noticed what I always drink, she told me your favorite drink was black label. That’s funny… Mine too. I found this special edition at the liquor store that instead of Johnnie Walker is Jane Walker. You see, I wanted to cheer with you and talk, cause I never could get to know you better, there are so many questions I wanted to ask ever since I was 19. Dad, I saw you, I felt you, I smelled you, I touched you since you left. I felt so lost without you, I was driving crazy about the idea of life and death since I was six, since you left, that my brain turned you into something real, but every time I tried to speak about it they didn’t take it as I said it. I used to feel you as touching you, used to smell you, see you with the law suit you, hear your voice and had conversations with you. You see, I have this issue that not everyone understands me, is hard. I kept quiet and lived with it until one day I remember I was fighting with you cause I wanted to be normal. I wanted you to stop showing up randomly. And you left for a long time. You remember when I was growing up I was kind of weird at nights? Well, it turns out I’ve been  “weird” forever, it just explode when I was in college. There were so many things happening by that time that I gave up randomly, I tried to kill myself driving 130mph to the wall, but because maybe neither heaven or hell wants me, I never fucking die! Jajajaja sorry I was joking. Tho is kind of true. But daddy I saw you when I woke up in the car, it was the first time since I was 13. But thank you, cause I needed to see you and hear what you told me. And thank you, cause now you just come once in a while when I’m losing it, but I learned not to talk to you, not to stare too much, but God, at least I can smell you when I’m losing it. Is this madness? Well kind of… But fuck it, at least I’m prescribed and I gave up on trying to kill myself… You wanna know why? When I think about it, I remember giving up isn’t in my blood. Dad, you never gave up, you achieved so many things having nothing. I thank you for being my father, I thank you for everything you did for me, my sister and my mother. I thank you for sharing genes with you. I just know my time will come, and I can feel it, cause there have been so much progress and you know it. I hope you’re proud of me. I always was so proud of you… Daddy, I promise, it will come soon. Dad, the Colombians taught me that you throw a shot of liquor to the ground outside and that’s how you cheer with the ones that you would love to cheer with that are dead. Here is one straight for you, and with sour for me… I don’t know how you wanted it, but at least is a black label. So, cheers!

* whoever read this, the next is for you.*

Isn’t “daddy issues”. Is that when it comes about the time of your dead father’s birthday you realize it was 20 years ago, and you lost him so abruptly, yet you remember him clearly. Is because when he always came home at night from work and you always stayed up waiting for him to give you the goodnight kiss on your forehead, his blessing, and rubbing your hair back and then you could sleep peacefully… I realize… I’ve been 20 years waiting for his goodnight kiss. That dad never came back that night. That the last time you saw him he was stayed silent, with his eyes closed, and you just look at him and touch him but carefully cause you don’t wanted to wake him up… And I didn’t knew… And people just tell you he is with God in heaven, he died, and he is sleeping in peace…

Ever since I was 6 years old I questioned myself <<What the fuck is ”death”>>

Immediately I said to myself <<Wait, but what is ”life”?>>

I just didn’t get it. Therefore you’re not just shocked by your father’s death, the idea of ”rest in peace” and everything… You’re madly confused almost insane about the ideas of ”life” and ”death”. 20 years later you have so many answers about it cause you have been meditating about it ever since… YET, you have NO concrete and straight up answer for your childish questions… What is life? What is death? And why, why he fell asleep first and didn’t gave me my goodnight kiss?

20 years later, here you are and you blame yourself for being mad at him cause he left and didn’t gave you the goodnight kiss, that for me it wasn’t fair that he could sleep peacefully and I never could… That you suffer from insomnia since you were a child. Yet, you smile and laugh and have fun, but you remember everything about him. Took me years to understand that he didn’t choose that.

I just got to the conclusion that there are things that happen just because they fucking happen, it was not even necessarily a good reason later on, and you have to deal with it.

Thoughts and writings

Gabriela Christina Díaz View All →

Nacida en Puerto Rico, pero soy ciudadana del Mundo. Escribo para vaciar el ruido de mi mente y me llena el corazón que alguien le toque de alguna forma lo que escribo. Pues de nada me sirve escribir si lo que escribo no conmueve un alma. No escribo muchas paradojas porque yo soy la paradoja en sí. Soy un poco controversial en mi manera de expresarme, pero escribo y me expreso de una forma transparente, desde lo más sincero de mis adentros.

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